When OCD Enters the Relationship: How It Shows Up and Impacts Dynamics
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Living with OCD doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling, loving relationship. People with OCD can and do live in healthy partnerships. However, it’s important to understand that OCD is a mental health condition that can contribute to particular relationship issues and complex dynamics. Understanding how OCD shows up between partners is the first step toward navigating these challenges together.
Relationship OCD
When most people think of OCD, they usually picture someone washing their hands a particular number of times to avoid germs. But one of the most common forms of OCD in relationships is relationship OCD itself. This involves persistent, intrusive doubts about whether the relationship is working or how their partner really feels.
Someone with relationship OCD might worry obsessively that their partner doesn’t love them anymore or is being unfaithful. This often leads to repetitive questions, such as “Do you still love me?” or “Are you cheating on me?” Some people might feel compelled to check their partner’s phone or engage in other controlling behaviors to try to quiet these doubts.
These patterns can create real conflict. The partner without OCD may feel that nothing they say is ever enough, that their reassurances fall flat, and that they’re constantly under suspicion despite giving no reason for it.
Harm OCD
Another manifestation is harm OCD, where someone experiences horrifying intrusive thoughts about hurting themselves or their partner. These thoughts are deeply distressing and completely contrary to what the person wants. However, the fear that they might act on these thoughts can lead to significant behavioral changes.
Someone with harm OCD might withdraw from their partner out of fear that they’ll hurt them. They may refuse to drive with their partner in the car or avoid being in the kitchen when knives are present. Their partner might try to accommodate these fears by leaving the room or house during OCD flare-ups, but this creates an unsustainable pattern that reinforces the anxiety rather than addressing it.
Contamination OCD
Contamination OCD can also significantly impact relationships. Someone with this form of OCD might try to control what their partner touches or require them to complete specific cleaning rituals before physical contact. Sexual intimacy might become difficult or even impossible due to contamination fears. These restrictions can leave both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected.
Sexuality OCD
Sexuality OCD involves intrusive thoughts that cause someone to question their sexual orientation. It’s different than relationship OCD, since the obsessions center around their own sexuality. A person might obsessively worry that they’re not actually attracted to their current partner or that their orientation is different from what they thought. This can lead to emotional withdrawal, avoidance of intimacy, and behaviors aimed at preventing these distressing thoughts from surfacing.
What You Can Do
If OCD is affecting your relationship, there are steps you can take:
Get therapeutic treatment: Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the first-line treatment for OCD. While it’s typically individual therapy, your therapist may want to include your partner in some sessions, especially if relationship OCD is involved.
Learn about accommodation: Partners of people with OCD should understand that providing repeated reassurance, while tempting, actually reinforces OCD behaviors. It may feel like the caring thing to do in the moment, but it perpetuates the cycle. Learning when and how to respond differently is crucial.
Find support: Partners living with someone who has OCD can benefit from their own support system. Support groups specifically for loved ones of people with OCD can provide valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
Moving Forward Together
OCD in a relationship requires patience, understanding, and professional support. The good news is that with proper treatment and mutual effort, couples can navigate these challenges and maintain healthy, loving connections. If you or your partner is struggling with OCD’s impact on your relationship, reach out today to set up a consultation to talk about therapy for OCD.